Pregnancy has taught me that we don’t have to do anything, and there is nothing I have to do. It has taught me about humility – life itself is happening inside of me, something so wonderful and much bigger than myself. Of course, I can fight against or flow with it, favor or hinder it, but it is something that happens beyond my effort, work, or intention – beyond myself.
I remember one practice when I was six months into my pregnancy and feeling tired with my growing belly. Every time I folded forward, it was too much. After finishing the surya namaskar, I sat down and cried. I felt defeated. My husband sat by my side and told me that I didn’t have to fight, that there was nothing to hold onto.
The funny thing was that my only goal was to keep up with the practice. Even that I had to let go of on days when extreme heat prevented me from putting my head down. I had to learn to let go of goals and be present in the moment, feeling what was happening without being subjected to anything.
The practice changed so much. I didn’t understand how I would face the birth without working on something, without facing daily obstacles as I used to with my pre-pregnancy practice. I was afraid and scared to change my practice to something softer, gentler. I felt like I was going to pamper myself when I wanted to prepare myself to be strong enough to face that moment.
This practice is so generous; it teaches me where to look and helps me truly know myself. Pregnancy is very personal and a reflection of how you carry it in various areas of your life. I thank my teacher for teaching me how to find my own teacher within myself. They gave me the freedom to experiment and the confidence and love to believe that everything was going to be okay.
On Sunday, February 9th, my daughter Sara was born through natural birth at 1:30 pm. It was the most surreal, beautiful, loving experience of my life. I had never been so present and never had to open and surrender as much as in that moment. Then, everything past found its place and I thanked.
Part II →
Photo in 8 months sirsasana: Juli Castro.